Okay, so without having to even read this post, you know, I’m not the most chipper person come February. I am not saying I have not had my fair share of “Valentine’s” over the years, but I will say that I think the entire holiday in of itself is absolutely ridiculous.
Dear Significant Other,
It’s not enough that you listen to me bitch and complain 364 days a year. It also isn’t enough that you treat me for dinner and lather me with gifts, you need to allocate an entire day/ or weekend if you’re an overachiever to prove to me JUST how much you love me with chocolates, gifts, back massages, and trips.
… COME ON PEOPLE! HALLMARK, you should feel bad about your actions.
Today in the New York Times Food Section they talked about “what really get’s you and your partner in the mood”. Clearly, (me being the single girl who not only not does have a Valentine this year, but lives alone and will be watching a Nicholas Sparks movie with popcorn in hand on Sunday) was intrigued by the article for unknown reasons. They talked about foods that arouse, foods that while eaten together with your partner get you in the mood, and scents together that do it for many.
Here are my responses:
1) Even if garlic was a 100% sure fire way to arouse my “significant other” wouldn’t it 100% turn you OFF if you had someone lying next to you in your bed reeking of garlic? NO THANK YOU.
2) In the article they mention women are aroused by the smells of BABY POWDER AND GOOD AND PLENTYS TOGETHER — is this serious or a joke? I mean… I gag at the taste and smell of Black Licorice and I can guarantee you that the smell of baby powder reminds me of the small amount of horror babysitting experiences which undoubtedly resulted in my lack of interest in EVER having kids. With that in mind, please do not mix those scents for me and put it in a bottle — I will actually put my clothing BACK ON thanks.
3) Lastly, they say fruit and vegetables that look like male parts are supposed to be a turn on. Maybe it’s justttt me but you bringing a cucumber to the table, without cutting it up, will make me think you have no ability to prepare me food. In addition, cucumbers are the least exciting, least sexual vegetable you could serve. Unless you drench it in chocolate — come to think of it, that would be nasty. PASS.
In conclusion, I will be eating take out (not sexy) in my apartment with no one judging me. I will follow my “romantic meal” with a nice sob fest, aka, A Walk To Remember .. the only movie in 21 years I have sobbed in. I won’t need to dress up, eat cucumbers, gag at the smell of licorice, or sleep next to someone who stinks of garlic — and for that? I am pretty damn happy.